"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." - Some Old Dude
Cycles of Boom and SlumpGood evening and welcome to this the sequel to the CFITT. As you are all painfully aware, we have in our midst fresh new faces and bright eyes looking out from beyond greasy dyed black fringes (possibly with ranga regrowth). It has grown increasingly clear to me that, like any boring biology textbook, we need to update and possibly expand upon our old understanding. Textbook writers do it for more money. We're doing it for revenge. Now previously in these tutorials, I have methodically gone through the process in annoying detail - showing you how to first create your own thread and indeed how to reply to comments. If you feel you need a refresher, please refer to FITT I. (OMG I can't see my avatar, can you see my avatar? OMG I can't link a thread?!? How do you link a thread? It's on page 5 of the Intro board.) It's mostly still as relevant as it ever was, not that this is saying much.
Now, listen up noobs. I have done some extensive study in the area, and it has come to my attention that the first thing you need to think about is the title. Now in the past, we've had a few noobs who have taken to some kind of controversial Intro thread title like "Save the Whales" or "I Heart Bob Brown". Some opt for the witty, cynical type, such as "Insert Parodical Title Here" etc. Now, generally, this doesn't work. Most forumsters' little red light immediatley starts flashing at such inanity. If this is what you want, good for you. If not, stick to traditional greetings like "Hi" or "Hola" (if you want to show you are a cultured being.)
I have already covered in great detail the aspects of your first post that you should cover. However I will use this opportunity to stress that there is one
crucial, aspect that you kmust not forget.... the most utterly
essential part of this is to
reference previous newbie abuse. This is pertinent like it never has been before, again for reasons I will attend to later. You can write it long, you can write it short, but for god's sakes, write it!
Noobs come and go, we know that. You little scrubbers pretty much stay the same down through the ages. Mostly you're stupid, mostly you're annoying, and mostly you follow the same basic noob principles. This, surprisingly, makes it somewhat boring for the forumsters, and we go through these "cycles" of flaming. Sometimes we don't care, sometimes our frustration bursts forth and we start shouting... and sometimes, just sometimes... what happens is that the forumsters
themselves start to absorb some of your own nature!
I hear you protest - 'Impossible! Ludicrous! Gas Leak! Word Association!' But this is not as uncommon as you may think. Now I'm going to take some time to introduce you to the types of people you will be forced to contend with. Note that the real names of these people have been changed to protect the
imbeciles innocent.
Laamby Types: Now, these chicks are the least threatening forumsters you'll have to deal with. In fact, they're so unthreatening that they're barely even referred to as forumsters. She'll laugh, she'll joke, she'll try with all her might to use the correct punctuation. A typical Laamby response could be "hahaha hi! where do you live? i need to know!" You could either a) just ignore her or b) attempt to buddy up with her and use her as a 'buffer state' of sorts when you start getting attacked, which you inevitably will.
Grooviegirlie Types: Now people like this will attempt to uphold traditional pedant values. They'll correct your speeling, you're punctuation and your entire character. They may also refer to previous happenings (oh noes! what are they
talking about??) and show their bitterness at bogans like you entering their domain. You don't need to really reply to these people, there will be plenty of chance to get on your high horse later on.
Bludgeon Types: Now this is where it starts to get hairy. With people like Bludgeon, you never really know where their loyalties lie, and this is no mistake on their part. This can sometimes trap a green noob like yourself quite easily. Constant vigilance is needed on your part. It seems as though these people just want to disagree. It doesn't matter about the principle, nothing matters except the art of disagreeing. You say "I'm so cool and unique" - they'll disagree and start subtley flaming you. Other forumsters start not-so-subtely flaming you and they will disagree and go all "abuse is not ok" on us. Again, your only chance of survival with these people is to ignore them.
Invisible Foe Types: Now this refers to a great range of forumsters, including Joe-Types, Bookslug-Types and even FashionVampires-Types. They're the ones who really don't say anything of import at all. They're like the seafood extender of Introduction Threads. They'll banter along with the more interesting forumsters, and unlike Bludgeon types, they will pretty much agree with anyone as long as they have enough forum cred. You could try and exchange witty banter with them (trust me, you'll fit right in...) or you could just offer multiple emoticons. You better not ignore them, though. They're not used to that.
Kelchibles Types: DUCK!!! This forumster's bitterness will make you wince and perhaps even flinch in pain. She wont pussyfoot around like the other types, she'll tell you where to shove it most times. She tries to make it seem hardhitting and unique but the truth is she's just parrotting what she's heard in previous years. Don't let this fool you, though, it's the smart tactic. The stuff we've heard in previous years is, mostly, worth repeating. Like "fuck off". Man, those were the days...
(Edit: This includes also Chromevermin types as well, to a certain degree.)Now, prepare yourself for this next type...
Ado Types: This forumster, to cut a long story short, has a superiority complex. It comes with having power, but no authority. She's got the colour, she's got the stars, hell she's even got the legitimacy of a real live supermod. But she constantly gets ignored. We're guessing that she's attempting to lame up her comments a couple of notches every time so that someone finally notices and either argues with her (in which case she can send them hardcorerebel PMs filled with pithy) or agrees with her (in which case she feels fulfilled as a mod).
MSG Types: I won't spend much time on this one, but there is bound to be one in every single thread. It could be MSG, Lexyy or even Elisa. They're the ones who are going to make your heart burst, they're the ones who are going to go down in a sea of insults just to protect you. Of course, you can get the idea that they give two cents about you out of your head now, it's pure, simple, sucking up. Nothing more to it. Since the Hothouse Debacle, they hedge their bets and defend the noobs in every single minor altercation just incase the people with real power come along and proclaim their "disappointment" in us.
By now I'm sure you can all see just how charged the atmosphere can become in your thread. Can you imagine some of the conversations that will ensue? No? I sure can. I bet you were hoping I could, right? It will give Bludgeon types more of a reason to say tl;dr, in the hope that someone will actually laugh at them for their wit and intelligence.
New Person: Hi. My name is Benni. Let the newbie abuse begin! (See CFITT I for a more embellished version of this.)
Grooviegirlie: That's not how you spell Benny. 
Bludgeon: Yes it is.
Invisible Foe: Hi.
Invisible Foe: Hello.
Laamby: Hi, I'm an established member of this forum and ppl - ah I mean people of course (typo) know who I am. I have power over you. Tell me more about yourself.
Bludgeon: (seeing a chance to disagree) Yes, what is the length of your genital area? *eyeroll, abject sarcasm, I'm so smartasm*
Invisible Foe: Lolz. *continues joke for way too long*
Invisible Foe: Porn?
Invisible Foe: 
Porn. Hi?
Laamby: *tries and fails to join in*
Invisible Foe: Cabbage?
Kelchibles: FFS you fucking morons fuck the fuck off ok fuck fuck you fuck!!!
Bludgeon: I disagree. *insert 'subtle', 'highbrow' joke here*
Invisible Foe: hahaha.
Invisible Foe: Do you think this will become a forum drama anyone?? LOL!!
Ado: Hey! Is this disagreement other than Bludgeons that I hear here? Now, my little minions, calm down. (haha, they think I'm joking. I'm the 'nice' mod after all)
Invisible Foe: oh noes mod! Hi New Person I love you.
Kelch: FUCK.
Bludgeon: Is not.
Invisible Foe: ... porn? *looks around uncertainly*
Grooviegirlie: I got banned once. Those periods aren't in the right place.
Bludgeon: *well thought out joke about menstruation.*
Ado: Stop being mean.
Bludgeon: They shouldn't.
New Person: *feels offended, tries sarcastly jibing. fails*
Grooviegirlie: Shouldn't there be a capital in that thought-action?
Bludgeon: No.
MSG: How dare you even look the wrong way at this noob? Does this noob not have the right to life, liberty and property? How is this noob gaining its liberty with you crackpots shouting your horrible tirade of abuse at it?
Bludgeon: Well you're the one calling it an "it". We shouldn't be nice to them. I hate them!
Kelch: fuck you, noob!
Bludgeon: Stop being mean to the noob! Porn!And that's pretty much how it goes down. In every single noob thread. Actually, pretty much every thread. I advise you leave this forum now, while you've got a chance. It's for your own good, and our sanity.
Feel free to PM someone else if you have any questions or comments.
Go forth!
