Yahtzee's discussion of one of them lists like what Nick finds funny:
Now, the biggest surprise to me was that this site still exists. It's a Geocities Area51 page, for god's sake. The last time anyone registered one of those, New York had a skyline and Pokemon was still taken seriously. Of course, knowing Geocities, the mere act of linking to the page will no doubt bring it crashing down like the Hindenberg, so I uploaded a file of the bare text to
here. Don't worry, you won't be missing anything, besides a horrible layout and some pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar simpering.
We don't know who the author of this piece is. Sometimes I think that crap like this spontaneously generates if you get enough idiots together in the same place. Let's assume this does have an author. Who could this author be? I have some possibilities:
1. A man who has never known the touch of a woman
2. A man who spent the first forty years of his life locked in a romantic bookshop
3. A man who has somehow become romantically involved with a mythical goddess
4. A man who has a full-size cut-out of the elf chick from Everquest in his bedroom
5. The most pussywhipped man on Earth
6. A crafty girl
Let me tell you something. Either this guy (we'll assume it's a guy) has been going out with a different kind of girl than the ones I'm familiar with, or he is badly, badly deluded. Let's take a look at some of his reasoning. I've coloured the little queen's words pink because he's a little queen.
They will always smell good even if its just shampoo.
OK, now I'm certain he's never been in a relationship, because he's clearly never been breathed on by a girl first thing in the morning. His experience of sniffing girls is presumably limited to sniffing chairs they've just been sitting on, or wandering around the park attempting to catch a whiff of female joggers as they bounce by.
How cute they look when they sleep.
I think he may be thinking of puppies, but if he isn't, it becomes ten times worse. We already know that he's never been in a relationship, so the only explanation for how he thinks he can write about sleeping girls would be if he's spent time up ladders with binoculars watching slumber parties.
How cute they are when they eat.
We get it, dude, you think girls are cute. You don't have to list all the times of the day when they're cute. They're not like phases of the moon. Besides, I'm not following your logic with this one. I only find girls cute when they're eating hotdogs or foot-long sub sandwiches, and in both cases 'cute' isn't exactly the word I'd use. So, what next? How cute they are when they breathe?
Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 out side.
That's not because of girl magic, you twat, it's because of the circulatory system, and maybe you haven't noticed, but men have one too. Besides, my girlfriend takes great delight in sticking her hand down the back of my shirt, and let me tell you, it's always like chucking an eskimo spider down my collar. And keep in mind that we live in Australia. In Australia, if you're not sweltering, you're either underwater or dead.
The way they look good no matter what they wear.
Okay, matey, I'm not going to tell you to go outside, because I fear the shock would annihilate your brain. But have you ever watched Sex and the City? You know how the main character looks like a horse that's been put through the Cenobite-o-matic from Hellraiser 2? Well, in the real world, a lot of women are even less attractive than that.
The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth.
Jesus, you're a pussy. When you cross the road, do they have to erect a sign saying 'CAUTION: BIG PUSSY CROSSING'? Let me tell you something. You're the kind of bloke who gets dumped for being 'too clingy', and then spends the next twenty years following his ex around going 'I'm not clingy! I'm not clingy!' never realising the bitter irony of it all until you get the restraining order.
How cute they are when they argue.
Or, to put that another way, "How cute they are when they're screaming at you to stop sniffing them in the park".
The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later....
An hour later WHAT? You'll fuck? You'll bake cookies together? Oh, I see, you'll be fighting again. And this is a reason why you like girls? Make no mistakes, Mr. Anonymous - you're the bitch in this relationship.
The way they kiss when you do something nice for them.
If I did all the washing up and Sarah expected to pay me back for it with one measly snog before going back to Ape Escape, I'd sulk so hard that rascally children will come around and use my lower lip as a diving board. That's the kind of relationship we have. We keep the duties even, and I don't tie a ribbon around my dick and call it a birthday present.
The way they hit you and expect it to hurt.
You know, we're an enlightened race, now, mister. If your spouse is abusing you, you don't have to put a brave face on it anymore, there are hotlines you can ring. Hey, suddenly this document makes a lot of sense if you imagine that, just prior to writing it, the author was concussed with a rolling pin.
The way you miss them.
I'm assuming the absent second half of this line is "when you hurl throwing knives at them, giving them good reason to come and beat you up again. Help me, somebody."
The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore.....Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.
Shut the fuck up.
